Bradley Tjandra

Types of Conversations

People often ask me what I’m looking for when I say I want more “interesting” conversations. What is “interesting” for me?

Two distinctions from the world of MBTI

Two distinctions which I’ve found useful come from the world of MBTI:

  • Sensory vs Intuitive: Sensory talk is empirical facts, experiences, details, memories, and plans. Intuitive talk is theories, abstractions, hypotheses, hypotheticals, and synthesis of unrelated ideas.
  • Thinking vs Feeling: Thinking talk distinguishes true from false, effective from ineffective, and plausible from implausible. Feeling talk is about people: what resonates with them, their inner lives, their thoughts, opinions and perspectives.

We can use these as descriptors or scales (even though MBTI treats these as strict dichotomies). It’s not (necessarily) the case that your MBTI predicts which conversations you will prefer, naturally use, or be able to do - although I do add some wild speculation about this at the bottom of this post.

Some examples of each type

iNtuitive-Feeling (NF)

  • “This Youtuber is dear to me, because his videos reminds me of things my father and I would do together before he left.”
  • “Where do you think people would find meaning in a post-work AGI utopia?”
  • “This book was so beautiful. I liked how it grappled with the complex feeling of pride and loss in seeing someone you used to be close with succeed.”
  • “I remember at the end of the hike, everyone said they had felt this deep connection to nature, and I hadn’t. I think I’ve always been a bit uncomfortable with nature.”

iNtuitive-Thinking (NT)

  • “Why do you think the world’s largest religions came out of the area around the Levant or India?”
  • “I think the way the university is managing club events isn’t the effective way to manage responsible alcohol and drug use.”
  • “Your argument works, but it actually proves too much. Run the same logic on schools and you would have to shut those too.”
  • “Assuming I accept your premise, what do you think about the claim that a pig - who can solve complex problems - should have equal moral value as a toddler?”
  • I find people in effective altruism and people who people describe as “interested in ideas” as NT.

Sensory

I’ve grouped all the Sensory examples into one to act as a foil against the Intuitive types. I’m grouping them into a single category for simplicity mainly as a contrast to intuitive-style conversations.

  • “Have you tried the new sourdough place on Rathdowne? It’s the only one that doesn’t go stale the next day.”
  • “I’m jealous of your upcoming trip. I remember when I went to Taiwan with Joshua for the mid-autumn festival. I’d go back tomorrow. Flights are cheap in March, apparently.
  • “Mum and Dad still bicker about money and no one ever says anything. They’ve got three accounts between them and I don’t think either of them knows which bills come out of which.”
  • “I really like the new Hoka Bondi 9 shoes, but Joey thinks they look too show-y for running.”

Most conversations will have some Sensory component: Even if you want pure Intuitive conversation, the facts and details focus the conversation. I think some people prefer to predominately share Sensory information, while others will want to abstract out to the Intuitive - if that is true, then what if..? why does..? how do you feel about..? I wonder whether…

What I’m looking for

I think my ideal conversation would be 60% intuitive-feeling (or NF), 25% intuitive-thinking (or NT), and 15% Sensory conversations.

I think most people correctly peg me as being an Intuitive. I think they often think I’m a pure NT – and I do enjoy those conversations! – but after a while I feel socially disconnected, mentally exhausted from complexity and ambiguity, and the assumptions seem arbitrary. There’s lots of valid arguments whether panpsychism, substrate independence, or dualism is true. But I really want to know about that event in your childhood which makes you so attached to the idea of an immutable “soul” persisting as someone ages.

Here are some conversation topics I enjoy, which I feel demonstrate my NF interests:

  • Helping my friends and being helped by my friends to unpack our emotions and thoughts. Connecting this with fiction we’ve read, frameworks we’ve learned, and thoughtful inquiry into people’s minds.
  • Personality systems and how they explain or predict how people think or feel. Trying to extrapolate from one area to another (“if you were an animal, which animal would you be?”) or creating personality systems (“are you more yin or more yang?”).
  • Analysing what has happened with the relationships of those around us, and how the way they act makes sense based on what we know about their upbringing.
  • Speculation about the wider world and how people feel. How will people find meaning in a post-work world? How are people finding community in the digital world? How healthy is people’s relationship to religion?
  • How are we growing, developing, improving ourselves? Sharing what’s challenging us or interfering with our flourishing, as well as what approaches have been useful in solving those things.

I think a common feature is about trying to understanding “the human condition”.

If you can suggest places or people in Melbourne to meet people, let me know!

(People often suggest Authentic Relating meetups as a way to meet people, when I describe this preference. I’m unsure if it’s my anxiety, being an MBTI Judger, or just my preference, but I often find things like Circling to be unfun.

I find it hard to put down my guard, and I really care about the other people feel comfortable, supported, and helping others or myself flourish. Circling feels like it requires people to embrace discomfort, put down the social rules used to protect people, and focus on topics “within” the Circle.)

Wild speculation about MBTI

I don’t really know how people’s MBTI type corresponds to this framework I’ve described above. Nevertheless, a weakly held hypothesis is:

Every MBTI has a ranking of cognitive functions, representing our comfort, capability, and enjoyment in using them. For example, INFJ’s functions are Ni > Fe > Ti > Se. An ESFJ’s are Fe > Si > Ne > Ti. For now, just focus on the first letter (N/S/F/T).

For example, an INFJ most enjoys Intuitive conversation, especially NF conversations. They can also have some smaller level of NT conversation. They can manage some SF conversation, and most dislike ST conversation. An INFJ might very well think “Alright, I can see that we need to know the logistics. But once that’s settled, can we chat about what’s been alive for your recently?”

An ESFJ would similarly prefer SF > NF > ST > NT conversations. They might say “I agree it’s important to think about these scenarios in advance. But what practically does each person need right now?”

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